Why I Swore Off Dating Apps
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Dating apps: you name them, I’ve downloaded them. What else am I supposed to do? I’m 22, single, fresh out of college, and living in the middle of a pandemic. I crave companionship and have a never-ending desire to spice things up. Dating apps are uniquely chaotic and each new match has the potential for, at the very worst, a great story.
I would be lying if I said I am anything less than a serial dater. I dated all through college, back-to-back two-year relationships until I found myself on my own in March of my senior year. Dedicating half of my brain and heart to another person had been ingrained in me at that point, and I quickly decided to jump back into the game. This time, however, I decided to keep things casual. I am historically too quick to commit to others where others are too slow to commit to me.
In come Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble. I dated around in Athens, my college town, went on some not-so-good dates and some I-had-fun-but-I-don’t-know-if-I’m-into-you dates. I dated around in Augusta, my hometown, and ended up very quickly falling in love with someone I just met (typical). But don’t worry, he broke things off. Two months ago, I made the big move to Charlotte, North Carolina. New city, new me, new dating pool. I’ve been on some awful dates, some you’re-cool-but-let’s-silently-agree-to-never-talk-again dates, some let’s-talk-for-a-month dates, and came dangerously close to falling in love yet again. But don’t worry, he ghosted me.
I think everyone should go on as many first dates as possible. I used first dates as a fun way to get to know a new city, new people, and get free meals. The first week I lived in Charlotte I went on 4 dates with 4 different guys. Needless to say, my new roommates realized they had no idea what they’d gotten into with me.
I learn something new about myself and what I want every time I sit down for a beer or an ice cream with someone I just met. Ryan taught me I don’t want to be with someone who wants to move across the country. Jake taught me I have the capacity to tell when the feelings just aren’t there. Spencer taught me that yes, I can still get nervous around a boy. Drew taught me that I need to find someone I respect. Matthew taught me that I need to speak up when I’m uncomfortable.
I’d love to say that I gave up dating apps because I decided that I don’t need a boy to make me happy and that the idea of love no longer constantly circulated my mind, but the truth is I just got my feelings hurt one too many times. I just moved to a new city and got my first real job, now is not the time to be constantly hurt and upset because Mr. Dude didn’t text me back.
It’s definitely hard for me to resist downloading dating apps again whenever I’m bored or lonely. At most I get attention and affirmation and at least I get someone to talk to. But I’m trying to start living my life without constantly distracting myself from how I’m feeling. I need to do something about being bored. I need to lean into being lonely. I need to get to know who I am as a single woman. And I have a plan.
My official rule for myself is that I’m not allowed to use dating apps until I hit my goal weight. I chose this because 1) that will probably take a good long while and 2) if I reach my goal weight that means I’ve finally achieved some level of self-discipline, which I have historically had very little of. I also downloaded a sobriety app to keep track of how many days I’ve been without dating apps or talking to boys. It’s been 10 days, go me!
Even though it’s only been a little over a week, I’m feeling good. Instead of going on semi-terrible first dates every night, I’m spending my time finally finishing that book I’ve been reading (Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle, highly recommend). I cook and I keep my room clean. I go to work and I go to the grocery store and I buy gas and I go home. I started this Medium account and I’ve been pushing myself to write regularly.
Now that I type this all out, it sounds super boring, especially compared to the chaos I lived in while dating around. While not as exciting, this new state of calm has already been good for me. I’m sleeping more, eating healthier, drinking less, and I feel more energetic and fulfilled. Stability is something I have dreamt of for a long time and it’s on the tip of my tongue. I want to explore this place, see how far I can go on my own. I want to be my very best before I meet the person who is going to walk beside me.
I’m swearing off dating apps. Not forever, but for now. Right now is about me, not you.
You, on the other side of the screen.
You, who sees my smiling face under the words “You have a new match!”
You, who has the power to break me into pieces.
You, who will just have to wait.
